Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
