I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
