I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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