i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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