So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're a waste of cheezeits
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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