when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
we're so committed to being not committed
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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