Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
