Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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