my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
