Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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