She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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