I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
