this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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