At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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