I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
