On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
