WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
