I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
