I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
