I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
