I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize