Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I will pee on everything he values.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
