ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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