Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I love you. Go after that dick
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
