Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
