We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize