Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
