I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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