I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
