I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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