This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
