nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
