I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize