Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
