i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
