Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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