my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
