he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
