I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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