So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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