I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
