My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
