Betty ford says i'm here all night
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
