i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
