I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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