omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
