I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think your dad took our porno
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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