Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
