I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
