I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
