okay pat passed out under dana's car
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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