I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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