I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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