p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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