ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
