nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
